We’ve been friends for a very long time. Part of me feels like we were a lot closer than we are now, and I’ve been saying that I would like us to be close again. I could lament how busy life is, and how there is so much to get done, but that’s an excuse. I could make time; but I’m afraid I’m splitting my time. There is so much that I’ve committed to doing that I am wondering if it’s wise to split my time again. But that’s not making sense, even as I’m saying it.
I suppose there’s a fear, but I’m not sure of what. Friendship with you comes at a cost and perhaps it’s what makes it hard. But the price to not have you in my life; actually, the price for a shallow relationship with you is too high, even I’m seeing that.
So, why the fear?
Back when we were close, I can’t say I lost. It’s me who became afraid of being separate, because separation meant I had to be different. And I became afraid of how I’d be perceived, that I’d appear judgemental more so than usual, and in separation I anticipated that I would not be able to relate to those around me. I became afraid of loneliness. I couldn’t trust that it would keep me the same, and so I descended down the staircase upon which you’d called me up, and it hasn’t been the same since.
It was a terrible mistake, of course. I thought I knew the heart of people; that what they portray is who they are. You didn’t force your way or your thoughts because that’s not who you are, so I didn’t know how wrong I was. You gently nudged me to see that things were not what they seem but I didn’t understand. It would have been hard to accept. No one ever talks about the challenge of knowing something to be true without evidence of it. There’s no evidence, so how can you be justified? I suppose back then I wouldn’t have known how to handle it.
But now? Now I want to walk through this life without fear. I don’t want fear to hold me back. I don’t want to worry about this person’s opinion, and that person’s perception. I don’t want to care about things that I shouldn’t care about. I want to do well according to your standard and not the standard set by others; not even to the standard that I’ve adopted. I want to experience satisfaction in everything.
So, what’s my motive for friendship? I want peace. I want peace; I want ease and I want rest for my soul. I want wisdom, I want understanding, and I want to be disconnected from the hum drum of life, and begin to enjoy you absent of rules, anxiety and obligations. I don’t want to always be in need of something.
I remember that one time that I was walking home and I heard you in the wind. I felt light on my feet, and I felt that I could have started flying alongside you. I didn’t need anything; I didn’t want anything. In that moment, I just felt free.
And I want that again.
