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There’s nothing wrong with starting over. There’s nothing wrong with starting from the bottom again, especially when you know that moving forward from where you are at is no longer an option. Sometimes there is no short cut up the road. And the disappointment…ah the disappointment. You have to endure the disappointment of letting go of dreams and expectations that you had; there’s a pain of disappointing someone which we all try to avoid. There’s a fear, too. Fear that you’ve made a mistake. Fear that perhaps you could’ve just figured it out, made it work. Endured just a little longer. But do you ever fear disappointing yourself in the same measure that you fear disappointing others?
Listen: don’t be afraid to start over. You made the decisions that you did with the information that you had. You made the decisions that you did, partly out of fear; partly out of obligation, not feeling fully confident and hoping to gain confidence as you go. But that gnawing feeling of restlessness, of discomfort still remains. Deep down you know where you are isn’t what you want. If you could make different decisions, you wouldn’t be here. It wouldn’t be like this.
So, listen to that courageous whisper. Let it grow louder, don’t be afraid of it. Don’t let the fear of time cause you to silence that voice. Don’t let the fear of your age cause you to bury that voice. Don’t let the fear of losing everything cause you to fear that voice. There’s nothing that you lose that you can’t get back if God wills it.
Haven’t you heard that you ought to let go of the old so that God can make room for something new? Do you want something new? Do you want something better? What does better look like for you? What are you willing to give up for it?
Are you willing to give up your comfort? Are you willing to endure a slight inconvenience for some time? Will you give up that hurt that you’re nursing—past and present? Are you willing to give up fear? Are you willing to take a step despite the fear? Are you willing to admit that you messed up? Are you willing to forgive yourself? Are you willing to give up your pride?
You can’t pour new wine into old wine skins. You need the capacity to bear that which you are looking for, hoping for, wishing for, afraid to reach for.
I think that you are more than capable. I think that mistakes made can also be mistakes learned if you allow yourself to learn. And to change. And to demand different from yourself. I think that the road ahead may be challenging but it will be worth it. I think the fear that chased you in the wrong direction will lose its power once you turn yourself toward the right direction. I think fear will fight you but you’ll rise above it and overcome it. I think you’ll receive unusual help along the way. I think that if you commit yourself, you will have that which you thought impossible. I know that if you give yourself the chance that you’ve never given yourself, you’ll come out of this radiant. I know that if you do this, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, you’ll be grateful that you did.
I don’t want you to live in regret of what you should have done, what you should have said. Courageous people are worthy of admiration. You are worthy of admiration. You are worthy of honour. You are worthy of the life that you have always wanted.
Do not let the fear of what people will say, what he will say, what she will say, what they will say hang you in effigy in their rooms of cowardice. Don’t let their thoughts, their feelings, their perceptions, their ideas—real or perceived, be a yolk around your neck. You are not a donkey to do hard labour in the fields of their expectations, where the second you express a need, or a desire, you’re crushed under the weight of their disapproval. When you advocate for yourself you threaten their comfort—their comfort to never have to change or do right by you. All they know is how to take, all they know is how to grieve when you ask for consideration. They can’t ever endure discomfort for your sake. They don’t even consider that they could be wrong and you could be right. They wear defensiveness like a second skin and deem you a villain for exposing it.
All this to say, do not be afraid or terrified because of them. Do not be afraid or terrified because of an opinion. Do not be afraid or terrified because of perceptions. Do not be afraid or terrified because of their words. Do not be afraid or terrified because of the road ahead. Do not be afraid or terrified of people. Do not be afraid or terrified of a person. They can’t do anything to you. God is with you. And if he is with you, I promise the tables will turn in your favour. The pride of a man is only for a moment. It’s like dust. In the thick of it, it chokes you, blinds you, can subdue you. But when the wind of God blows, it is scattered, and who even remembers it after that?
Don’t let that pride be a snare to you though.
Don’t be afraid to start over. Don’t be afraid to start again. Don’t be afraid to take the step.
