“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.”
– Aristotle
Today was a day unlike any other day.
I said that I’d give up something each day for the vision. What have I given up? Today, I gave up my desire for things to go my way. Yesterday did not go my way at all, and today, this morning it did not go as expected either. But I reminded myself to keep things moving. And pleasantly enough, I was ok. The temptation to lament was strong, but the vision is calling to me, and requires me urgently. I can’t pace in the same spot wearing out my mind with what is beyond my control.
Surrendering control. I have to appreciate doing so even in the small things. It starkly occurred to me is how unbothered time is. It neither bends, nor wields to emotion. It does not care that you are prepared or unprepared. It knows only to keep going. In a way, I ought to adopt this lesson in somethings. I ruminate too often on things I ought to just let go.
In any case, today I surrendered control. What did I gain? I got to check off something else on the list. I allowed myself to be in the moment. Do you find that you’re slowly losing your ability to be in the moment? You’re not present. You’re in the next moment, or your mind is captured and elevated elsewhere, and the present feels indescribably mundane.
What did I learn about letting go of control? I asked myself, “what is it that you can control?” Actually, I learn that I need the ability to maintain composure in the face of the unexpected. I need to command my emotions. I need to be rational while still sensitive to my environment. Self control sharpens your sensitivity to yourself or your environment. You can anticipate and think 5 steps ahead, if you just maintain composure.
One thing that stood out is that when things go left, suddenly the remainder of what you ought to do feels inconvenient. But I reigned in my thoughts, reminding myself that I made a commitment and I have to stick to it. At the same time, I began rethinking my commitments. I began considering stacking my tasks differently on different days. I’m ambitious, yes, but I must figure out the best way to achieve success. It’s forcing me to begin strengthening a weak muscle: time management. Sacrificing something for the vision is causing me to see areas of weakness, places of atrophy that need exercise.
For a second, I considered cooking an awful inconvenience and a time waster. But as I was cooking, I felt myself relaxed, at equilibrium. A song of worship flowed through me even as I worked to create my meal. And I reminded myself not to be hard on myself. This sense of peace, of unhurriedness, but of focused work was therapeutic and soothing.
It’s not that cooking is an inconvenience. I have to remember that I have time for what I want to achieve. It’s not everything that has to be packed into every day. There’s balance and flexibility required. One day will not always look like the next. Some days I’ll do more, others I’ll do less, but still, none is wasted.
Planning provides guidance, but if the plan gets upended for a day, or a few hours, hope is not lost. In such moments, self-control, discipline, and focus and compassion to self is important. We can’t control everything.
On day 2, this day of surrendering and having peace, I feel more in control. I can take pride in myself and what I have accomplished, even if that accomplishment is maintaining composure. It’s a small thing, but it’s big.
