Bravery, be my friend!
When you come across various posts on social media of relationship fall outs, friendship fall outs, it seems there has to be a villain and a hero. The hero is the one who was wronged but finally found their voice, their worth and cut ties. Sometimes it is like that. But I think we are plunging deeper and deeper into an abyss of lack of self-awareness. I remember someone saying: “everyone is a hero in their own story.” I think that if you feel that you always have to be the hero in your own story, you’re terribly banal and a fraud. But I also think that we may hold this perspective because we lack curiosity to get to the root of the truth. I remember bell hooks saying “Commitment to truth telling lays the groundwork for the openness and honesty that is the heartbeat of love.” Love liberates from the bondage of falsehood, deceit, pretense. It challenges you to seek the truth, not the truth based on how you feel; with love, you get to the root of the truth.
Strangely, I feel as though we are in an arms race. Everyone’s armouring up so that they don’t ever feel weak, used, played, taken advantage of. People would rather be the one doing the using, rather than be caught dead unarmed and unguarded. It’s important to guard yourself, but it feels like we are in a cold war of sorts; there’s no direct fighting per se, but we’re consuming content, supporting words, reasonings and ideologies that we think give us an advantage over the other person, but it’s making us weaker and even more insecure. Our attacks on each other are not always outright declaration of war, but they’re still insidious and damaging. One’s always on edge. Racing to forever have the advantage over the other person. To what end?
Speaking of the end, my friendships have gone through a change.
There’s a verse in the bible that says let all that you do be done in love. And I’ve always interpreted it to mean not acting out of obligation, or compulsion. Freely giving because you will to; desire to. And it makes me think of when God says “these people love me with their words, but their hearts are not with me.” And then that proverb that goes something like “eat and drink” he says to you but his heart is not with you. And I find these scriptures are compelling me to look inwardly, look at my motivations, look at my heart, what am I saying and what am I doing? Why am I saying one thing, and doing something different? Why am I doing things that I don’t want to do? Why am I not saying what I mean? Who am I trying to protect? How can you protect anything if by your words, or actions, you’re causing insecurity? Is it not a matter of time until that thing, too, falls apart? The hurt or inconvenience that you want to avoid will be worse than if you’d been honest in the beginning.
Considered this: if you enter a fierce battle and come out with internal bruises and bleeding, but outwardly you’re intact, are you really injured?
When I think about the people that I no longer talk to, or who no longer talk to me, when I think about the slight shift that has taken place in some relationships, I don’t think there are villains or heroes. I think we need to be a little more courageous in this life; brave enough to express how we truly feel, especially to the ones we care for. I think we have to be brave enough to be honest with ourselves, and what we need and what we want. I think in cowering, we cause more insecurity, uncertainty and hurt. I think safety is not just found in the length of a relationship, or your actions, or the physical things you do. Safety and protection is in the words you say, and the words that you don’t say. We don’t become secure by making others insecure. When we are secure, we want others also to be secure. When you are honest, you protect yourself and others from harm, real or perceived. And in doing this, you create greater space for love to thrive.
