You’ve been faithful Lord
Through the ages past
That is why your name is forever
**
Yesterday I felt that I had done something wrong. And I could feel my emotions going down because why must such a thing take this long? And I’d been fine. I’d been so good, but for some reason I was suddenly confronted with the thought that perhaps I hadn’t done enough. Had I done enough? Is it because of me that this was taking so long? Should I have said something to someone so I had a faith partner?
The sole purpose I kept quiet was for me: to build up my own faith, because this requires a lot of it. I had to believe it for myself….and really believe it. Not just say it in my mind, but believe it in my heart.
And it hasn’t felt right to share it because I’m exercising what I’m learning. I’m applying what I am learning and it feels as though I’ve been waiting on my grade for the longest time. And yesterday, when someone got their passing grade, it made me consider that perhaps I’d messed up, failed; and I was scrambling to the think of what I did wrong, why wasn’t I told…and I could hear myself consoling myself that maybe I’d aimed a bit too high anyway.
I was still bothered by it when I woke up. And I thought, ok perhaps I sinned and I haven’t been aware. And so, I repented. And repented. But still, I didn’t have peace.
Why am I feeling like this? How did I go from blissful to disaster in less than 24 hours? Why was I panicking?
Why was I panicking?
Because why does it always seem like even if I want something from the Lord, my case takes a lot longer than someone else, who receives a word and in no time they are rejoicing. And yet, I pray and pray, and even with assurance it’s like a millennia has to go by to get something that takes someone else 5 minutes. And I start to doubt myself, and I’m annoyed. Not too long ago I even felt sad for being so ambitious. Why didn’t I just go for the regular thing; I’d have what I want by now and be merrier. I felt incredibly discouraged.
This time wasn’t like last time, because last time I felt that sorrow in my soul. This time my emotions were disturbed and descending into chaos. And the same question began creeping up again: Why did you want this in the first place? Why do you always want things beyond reach? I began to wonder did I (and do I) not serve enough, give enough? Do I not intercede enough, pray enough?
But then I remembered that David encouraged himself in the Lord when everything had fallen apart. Village was destroyed. The women and children kidnapped. And his soldiers were livid and in pain.
Then I remembered Abraham, how he waited 25 years…25 years!! For the fulfillment of a promise. I remembered Hannah and her 20-year wait. I remembered Elizabeth. And I reminded myself to stop panicking. Stop. Panicking. I thought of 25 years. I wasn’t waiting 25 years. It wasn’t going to take 25 years. It had been only a few months for this. Excruciating as it were, it was not 25 years.
I remembered that the just shall live by faith. Is this not what I had chosen? To live by faith? Because to believe for this, it requires faith. Abraham, Hannah, Elizabeth; they too had to endure watching what they desired be fulfilled, and probably speedily in others’ lives whilst they waited. And they had to persevere through their wait. They had to endure through their wait. They served, gave and cried, and still had to wait. For something that is without struggle, resistance or effort for some. And you must persevere and endure through the weight that that also brings.
So, I encouraged myself in the Lord. I played worship music. I was working so it helped distract me for some time. And I felt my mind easing, my body becoming less tense. I talked myself off the ledge, reminding myself that even those who waited their promise was fulfilled. And they rejoiced greatly. And I told myself that this, too, will be fulfilled, because God is faithful.
As God remembered Noah and the animals in the ark... (Genesis 8:1),
As God remembered Sarah and kept his promise (Genesis 21:1),
As God remembered Rachel…and enabled her to conceive (Gen 30:22),
As God remembered Hannah...and enabled her to conceive (1 Samuel 1:19)
As God remembered Elizabeth in her old age (Luke 1: 36-37)
He will also will remember me, and keep his promise, and do what He said he would.
