"Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made'"
Genesis 3:1
I remember when you said that you love black women; that we are your sistas. From the intricacy of our hair, worn natural or braided, long or short; in your eyes we are royalty. You said that your own children will come from a black woman, that you will marry a black woman.
Your words were nice. And for a second I thought you were sincere, but as your friend, I must be frank. You say all these charming things about black women but you are forever giving us crumbs. Your praise may make you feel good, but they’re terribly empty. Why do you want to sustain us on the gossamer wings of words that only enslave us to disrespect and dishonour?
Don’t look at me like that. If I don’t tell you, you’ll make another black woman a victim of your nonsense. I’m your friend, and a black woman. And I have to tell you the truth. It’s not to dismiss you, but it’s to raise a mirror to yourself, so your beguiling speech won’t make you a hypocrite.
You are a man who has a lot to offer. And you’ve admitted that you love black women and you respect them. But the thing is, you only do that with your words. You’ve admitted that you have commitment issues; you’ve not denied that you’re emotionally unavailable; that you date women who want more but you can never give it to them. So, you keep things going, until it’s far enough. You tell yourself: “At least I’m honest, I don’t string anyone along and I don’t make promises.” Is that loving? Is that honorable? Does a man who admits that black women are royalty turn around and treat them worse than the dirt beneath his feet?
It's good that you are honest. At the end of the day, even the women you date have to be responsible for themselves. They, too, must be vigilant, and sober, and guard their hearts. At the same time, strive to be a better person so that you remain a person worthy of respect. You have to respect yourself. Perhaps everyone around you behaves in ways that makes you feel as though there’s no point in being the decent, respectful man. The “nice guy” that you’ve convinced yourself you are. But let your conduct always be honorable, and let it be honorable before God.
Look how easy it is to say the words you just spoke. And perhaps your words were sincere, but don’t say these things to black women until your conduct matches up. A woman worth her weight in gold will see through you. Sometimes irritation and conflict happen, not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re phony, and we’re battling with ourselves to be ok, to convince ourselves that you mean well. That, you too, are a human being whose not perfect.
But must it be like that? Consoling ourselves with “no one is perfect?” For how long are we to satisfy ourselves with that phrase? Don’t you think that will pile into resentment, disrespect, dishonour at some point? Is that what you want for yourself?
Do your utmost best to be blameless. I know you can’t be like Jesus. But don’t let the burden fall on the woman to be the only one making the attempt. Do not be a coward, ok? If you require us to be strong, you too be strong.
Stop giving black women crumbs and requiring us to honour and respect you and defend you. You, alone, get to decide whether you want to give someone your best. No one should have to beg, plead, cajole you, be intimate, be a placeholder for you to be found worthy to get your full attention, to get basic respect. Don’t normalize abnormal and abominable behaviour. And then have audacity to turn around and call that woman royalty. Or any other woman with black skin royalty.
Give what you have decided in your heart to give. Give in wisdom. Give with understanding. Give intentionally. If God will not accept a tainted gift, even one dirtied with unforgiveness, must I, a black woman, made also in His image and likeness accept tainted things? Must you?
Yes, you’ve been hurt. So then be responsible. Just as you as a man are expected to love, care for and provide, you also deserved to be loved, cared for and provided for. But you won’t receive the full measure of that if this is how you behave.
We are all called to guard our hearts, so we discern who has good intentions and who doesn’t. And that’s why I encourage you to pray; so, you also won’t fall prey to a woman whose desire is to destroy you in the end. Such prayers aren’t just for women against wicked men, you know!
You are not a bad person, but the person who you end up with deserves the best version of you, as much as you deserve the best version of them.
