It’s interesting the insidious way in which distrust creeps into your heart, and nestles therein. How it floats unseen as air and just as weightless, and divides you asunder. So, when these actions—the mistrust, the annoyance, the discomfort came, I couldn’t understand the root. I gave it a different source, but it all stemmed from an action done against me. And I found myself paranoid, distrusting almost everything; doing what I said I wouldn’t do, feeling conflicted, feeling unnerved and uncertain. And the hurt was in there, fresh yet undetected, feeding off of my doubt, creating vapors of insecurity whose origin eluded me at first.
You see, bravado, and nonchalance make for poor gauze to hide a festering wound. At first, there are plenty reasons to justify what you are feeling. Until there aren’t. Until you have to admit that there is discomfort there. Until you feel the stinging tug sear your chest, as though to signal that, yes, you’re right; there’s a different reason for all these errant emotions and almost unreasonable mistrust.
The hardship is in the confession. Confessing that this wound stings, it hurts. The hardship is in finding a trustworthy, compassionate ear to listen, to soothe, and be the balm that relieves the injury. The hardship is in quelling the protest of the heart, and its myriad reasons why this route is unsafe. The hardship is in admitting that you made an error in judgement, and you must dust off your error and not look back. The hardship is in accepting that this is a journey best made solo, a fork in the road requiring the right choice. The hardship is recognizing that perhaps you were not being paranoid, and unreasonable. That it's not just the past that's threatening to rear its ugly head. That the present isn't as kosher as it's being presented. The hardship is in choosing to believe again.
Surrender becomes necessary. You must emancipate every thought, whether true or not; all the feelings, whether true or not; deny power to every assumption. You must clear every channel of your heart, mind, and soul of all this debris and nonsense. Because one must remember that everything that happens in the dark will come to light. Everything. You can’t control, cajole, hoodwink, seduce, or manipulate in order to hide the truth. If you’re committed to the truth, you’ll always find it. Why weigh yourself down with incessant negative thoughts and wonderings? The good will delight in the light and remain, and every falsehood will be revealed and fall away.
