Come on now, we’re going to go build a mirror factory first and put out nothing but mirrors for the next year and take a long look in them. [Fahrenheit 451-Ray Bradbury]
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It has been a while. I don’t know if I’d say there’s a lot that is happening, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t anything happening.
I’ve been writing but not blogging. Simultaneously, I’ve been feeling guilty for not posting on my blog, and for my general lackluster attitude with something that I created. Some months ago, I dreamt that someone asked me what I wanted from life, and with such certainty and passion I said that writing is what I love. However, I see that making the choice (because that’s what it is) to not do what I love is making me go in circles, and creating discontentment, and making me settle for what I don’t want, and making me desperate for things that I don’t care for. And it’s making my spiritual walk more tedious, and tiresome in some ways.
I remember when I first started this blog, and I was afraid to even share the stories that I’ve posted because I felt them too personal. But I did it anyway. So, if back then I overcame that fear and wrote as honestly as I did, surely I can do that at a greater measure now. I certainly didn’t have anything figured out back then, but wrote honestly – and I plan on continuing on that same trend. Some of the words, written beautifully and almost poetically [still] encourage me, inspire me, convict me, and make me sigh in relief at the growth, and that’s what I want Soultea to be.
Admittedly, the more I desire from life and from myself, I realize now I’m always in need of encouragement, conviction, inspiration and evidence of growth—materially, spiritually, emotionally. And as I continue this journey, I am leaning into actively filling my cup with what I need. And one of the things that I need is to write on this blog—it makes me feel settled and free.
And I’m going back to my other love, reading. I bought books that are collecting dust, and the fact I now have to make effort to read is disappointing to say the least. Once upon a time, reading was like oxygen; it was a need, an enjoyment, a pleasure. My imagination, drive, pleasure, and focus have suffered because of this, I believe. But I’m glad I’m returning to my old self in many ways. The old me wasn’t too bad; she just needed a bit of guidance, and focus, and make peace with some thangs, y’know; otherwise, I didn’t need to bury her as I did.
I’m happy to be writing again, and excited to share all that I’m learning, experiencing, thinking, and doing!
-Chenai
