pic via @grnwood
When I would have healed Israel, then the iniquity of Ephraim was uncovered....[Hosea 7:1]
I was surprised that something that I thought I had let go of was still a stumbling block to me. That up till now, this thing, this shame had been rearing its head into my attempts at doing certain things. Because the failure from the past kept rearing its head into my affairs, reminding me of a time past, of when I pursued something only to fall off a cliff, of making a decision that changed everything. It took me back to emotions that I didn’t think were there, feeling them fresh as though they’d recently taken place.
But I didn’t exactly fall off, did I? I changed direction, and took a different path, a path that I never would have considered if everything had not happened as they did. And for a long while, for too long, I stumbled through it because I was walking forward looking back. And then now I’m walking forward looking forward but the part of me that doesn’t want to move forward, would rather just maintain the status quo would not let me go. And I didn’t know because I thought perhaps it’s just me. It’s like two people fighting—one wants to move forward because there’s nothing left of the past, and the other is making war to never move on. And although physically I may be walking forward, the rest of me has been undecided. And so I can’t move toward the forward I am reaching for. And even though I may do certain things, and perhaps overcome some difficulties, it never feels complete. I walk free, but I’m still in chains. I’m like that man in Plato’s cave, who can easily walk out of the cave but I’m mesmerized by the writings and the light from the fire, but there’s a greater light, if only I’d get up and unchain myself from the status quo.
And I must unchain myself. Everyday. Decide, every day. Overcome the remnants of that past disappointment, and everything that it came with. There are days of “I should have...” “I could have…” especially when I am feeling incredibly restless. But these crack in the door need to be shut. You give regret an inch, and it brings all the stress, anxiety, and all other negative emotions that you didn’t intend to let in.
Apostle Paul learned to be content in whatever situation he was in ---whether he had plenty or very little. And I suppose that’s the secret. The circumstances of life change, and one must learn to be content, to be satisfied, so that even if you want more, you can actually enjoy more. You’re not just a collector of experiences to display them to others, but you’ll actually enjoy those moments when they do happen.
But it has given me thought to consider why I am pursuing what I am. What’s the reason, what’s the purpose? Would it be less of value if it doesn’t get the response that I want? What am I chasing? And whose voice am I listening to? Is it what I want or what I’m supposed to want? Am I doing things how I want or how I think they should? Some things seem right, but are not the path for me. I’ve known this for a while.
Anyway, it’s been an interesting first few days of the last month. This year flew by. I can’t wait to mentally and emotionally fully depart and put a chasm between this decade and the next. I don’t have regrets but I wouldn’t do it again if the option was presented to me.
