I choose you. I choose taking care of you, paying attention to what you need, how you feel. I choose integrity, to build it up so that I know that even if anything should happen, I will still do right by you. Because to do otherwise will only hurt me; has only ever hurt me, and I understand that now. I thought I could give what I did not have, and cultivate what I need to give as I go. But I have been running on empty for a long while now, neglecting you, misunderstanding your needs, misunderstanding myself. I can’t fill you up; you are not looking for me to fill you. You are looking for me to be consistent, to get up and be intentional with you, to show care, to show sacrifice and desire to want to. You are not looking for me to be perfect. You want me to see that by doing this I believe that it is worth it; that you are worth it. My words have not been enough for a very long time, but you accepted them. I didn’t understand why my words were not enough, but I get it now. I am choosing you, not with my words only, but with my actions. I will let go of the people, places, things that do not match where you are going. It is no longer beneficial to walk around this same mountain, convincing myself, lying to you that it means something, when deep down I know the truth. Choosing you requires self-sacrifice. Choosing me requires self-sacrifice too, strangely. I thought I’d given up a lot already but I was saying one thing and doing something else. I thought I had integrity but I have been compromising it in small, seemingly innocuous ways. I’d say I’m going left, then choose right, because after all it’ll give me the same result. And I see your pain but you smile through it. You bite the inside of your cheek and look away, striving to keep from crying. Fissures between us are growing profound. But I see the error of my ways. If I don’t do right by you, I’ll never be able to do right. The grass is green where it is watered. Admittedly, sometimes I think that there’s something better, elsewhere. Someone better, somehow. If I could just hold out a little longer…
But even as I linger, how will I be faithful there when I can’t even be faithful here, with you? I’ve never been faithful, have I? Not really anyway. Starting, stopping, never fully giving myself to see the end result; always bailing out because I see myself and I get fearful that if you knew everything…could see everything, you’d recoil. So, I abandon you. Because to have you turn from me, the shame of it….
Yet. You’ve always seen through that; even if you didn’t have words for it, you recognized that something wasn’t quite right; I wasn’t being fully authentic, there were places that were manufactured, and covered; because to reveal what’s inside would expose too much of something that I felt unprepared to expose.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my half-hearted attempts, my excuses, and giving in to the fear that if I give myself up, I’m going to lose everything. I didn’t allow myself to invest in something different, to separate myself to pursue something with value. Funny that we want value without sacrifice, hey? That we want the good feelings consistently, not realizing that when the good feeling dissipates, discipline and commitment is what anchors our integrity. We are not to be easily shaken and led astray like oxes to the slaughter, like deer stepping into a trap, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it would cost it its life (proverbs 7:22-23). Whatever it is I have been trying to keep, I’m surrendering it. I’m not putting my life into your hands, nor asking you to put yours in mine. You are a person of faith. I know in whom you trust. So, I am choosing you and choosing to place my faith in Him whom you trust. And I am choosing you, to do right and to do better. To count the cost, sacrifice more, have faith. I am choosing you. I will take better care of myself. And I will take better care of you.
