I look at the past 365 days and I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it to December, and by God’s grace I’ll be entering into another year. I am not pleased with some things but I’m happy that I’ve overcome the obstacles that were in my way so that I can start fresh, and start better. For the past little while I was telling myself how glad I am to put an end to my 20s because I perceived them as trash, and I was genuinely disgusted, but I remember a couple of Sundays ago on my way to church God encouraging me to change my perspective. And He reminded me of a blogpost that I wrote 4 years ago: Baby, Hello; that there are things that I’ve had to overcome, and fight and conquer otherwise they would be patterns I would see repeat themselves in my life and my children’s lives. I cannot despise my 20s, no matter how challenging and harrowing they have been, because it was all for a purpose.
When I arrived at church and listened to the sermon, pastor began talking about the attitude of giant killers. In my post, I wrote about slaying dragons. And I had to laugh at myself because I’ve had to dig deep, sacrifice my comfort and kill the giants before me: giants of anxiety, worthlessness, purposelessness, fear, bitterness, etc. These types (and more) are the things that frustrate, cause pain, limit you and stop your blessings, and if you fail to deal with them they’ll forever frustrate and intimidate and disturb your peace.
I’ve always perceived myself to be confident, sure, and capable; but the past few years it’s as though every aspect of life was designed to crush all this self-confidence, and I definitely buckled. Because what I was seeing, and what I believed about myself were not gelling. And what I saw physically superseded what I believed in my heart. And I’ve come to understand why we are called to live by faith and not by sight. The things that we see will change. Circumstances change. For example, I couldn’t find a stable job for the longest time, but that changed.
At the same time, I’ve been learning what it means to have confidence in Jesus. And for me that was hard, because to me my prayers and going to church, and fasting, and tithing was my confidence in him. But even with that commitment, it was evident that my circumstances had eroded my trust and conviction of God, and trust and confidence in myself. So, it has been an interesting journey of discovering what my confidence in myself and God is based on.
I’d be remiss not to mention that there are people that I regretted meeting and starting relationships with, but the challenges and disappoints that came with that have been part of the giants and the patterns that I’ve had to slay and destroy. Giants of self-doubt; of saying yes when I mean no, thinking I should pursue something that I have strong doubts about, because ‘Hey, maybe I just need to be more open!’ But upon reflection of these moments, I understand that I have to trust myself, trust the voice of God in me raising red flags, and warning bells to move away, or stay away. It’s not every time that a reason is revealed, but I have to trust that the warning is enough. Yes, in these moments I was foolhardy, but now I feel assured to guard myself against the wiles of unsavory characters.
Taken together, everything that happened—the good and the bad---will work together for my good because I love God and I am called to His purpose. And I think aspects of myself had to break to be rebuilt and become spiritually fortified. But even this fort is being built day by day, little by little. I’m still a work in progress. I have matured, but I am still maturing. I love who God has created me to be, and I am learning to love and know the person I am in God.
To conclude, I can look back at my 20s with ease and compassion, and relief. For all the times I thought there was little activity in my life and little value, I see things differently now. There was a lot of bulldozing and grading required, especially spiritually, so that the person that I am, that I perceive myself, can flourish. I know it doesn’t mean things will be easy peasy; (I mean, part of me does think that) but I have a different attitude. I know now that I am strong. And resilient. And courageous. And can overcome adversity. Whatever I have failed at is no longer a stumbling block to the work that I must put in now to be successful. Not just successful materially, but finally unafraid or timid to walk in my purpose and the fulfillment of my desires. And what I desire, should I entrust it to God, I am fully convinced that He will beautify it for the purpose of His Kingdom and for His glory.
Cheers to a joyous 2022!
