I’m learning to step back. Especially with work. I realize that I am too invested in the outcome of a thing sometimes that I lend my emotions in an inappropriate manner. By that I mean, I feel responsible for people and their actions, because I am invested in the positive outcome of what’s happening. In hindsight, that’s ludicrous. But I only became fully aware after I was asked the following:
Do you think a person’s failure and success is a reflection of you?
My answer: I know the answer is no, and yet, yes, I have been feeling that whether someone fails or succeeds reflects on me.
Do you think their failure or success depends on you?
My answer: No, but yes.
And therein lies my stress lately. I can barely recognize myself sometimes; it’s like I’m two people: the person who knows the truth and the person who does the opposite of it. That conversation was illuminating, and humbling. And uncomfortable. Thinking that someone’s success or failure is dependent on what I do had me side-eyeing myself. I hadn’t realized that I was “caring” to the point that my actions were based on the wrong belief.
Amazing how sometimes I end up stressed out over things that really are 1) none of my business, 2) are outside of my control 3) clearly don’t need me or my effort.
I’m seeing how, often in my life, I need to back off. I may not physically assert myself, but I lend my emotions to situations when I clearly don’t need to. And as I do this housecleaning, I’m looking at myself, wondering: “when did you start caring so much, and why?” I think I began caring because I didn’t want to seem cold, aloof. Yet I’m none of those things. All along I’d been protecting my energy, only to put down walls and be harassed by foolishness.
It was a great teaching moment though. The past couple of months I’ve been receiving these nuggets of revelation about myself through other people. And I’m taking time to bite, chew, and taste things in a way I haven’t done. It has been enlightening to say the least.
