I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better.” —Georg C. Lichtenberg
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Things are changing. I feel it. Are they changing for the better? Honestly, I don’t know. Something is happening but I can’t quite put my finger on it. The past month or so has been interesting. It was interesting because I have had to use wisdom to quell a quarrel, and also trust my instincts where I normally would’ve dismissed them.
Not to toot my own horn, but writing Hindsight, reading it, especially chapter 9 Open Your Eyes, has helped me open my eyes to a few things, including recognizing that I was saying yes to something that I didn’t want out of frustration, out of compliance. I was putting myself down to fulfill someone else’s desire. You know when you are giving in to something just so the other person can just stop asking, stop insisting? But everything inside of you is screaming for you to stand your ground and say no? It was like that. I gave in, but only to quickly change my mind again. Because I was doing it again. And I had to talk to myself, remind myself that I cannot keep doing this. It doesn’t matter what the end result is, or what the consequence is, but if something is off, and it doesn’t feel right, even if I can’t quite explain it, it’s enough for me to say no. And I remembered I wrote that I should not sign my life to something that deep down I do not want. And this lit a fire in me to stand my ground. And so I stood.
I know I am being vague but I’m trying to protect the innocent, as the phrase goes. But I’m grateful that my own words were a shield, and a reminder to maintain my boundaries.
And speaking of shields, lately I’ve been paying close attention to how I feel. I notice when I start to get anxious, and what is happening, and I notice the source of the anxiety. I have also been aware when energy in place or conversation is off. It’s not that I haven’t been aware of these things before, but it feels heightened lately, if that makes sense. It’s amazing how our emotions can alert us to danger, or help us pay attention in situations we would otherwise be relaxed. And one situation in particular I noticed the energy was off, and something wasn’t quite right. But I ignored it because I thought it was just me. But it didn’t go away, and I decided to trust my emotions. It has been journey of sorts. A journey that I am still discovering. But I think everything will work itself out. Things are changing. And change is good. It isn’t easy but it doesn’t have to be a negative thing. Sometimes change is making an adjustment. And we can’t be afraid of that adjustment.
