Why was I discouraged?
Because God showed me He was pushing me all the way back and I felt stuck and abandoned.
Because I looked at where I wanted to be and where I was and I felt defeated and unable to see the seed that had been placed in my hands.
I was focused on what I lost, what I wanted, and couldn’t fathom anything better could ever come after.
Because I saw time ticking by, people whizzing past me at the speed of the wind and all I saw were my hopes lost.
I couldn’t even make an attempt at anything because whatever I attempted was temporary and quickly died before bearing fruit. Anxiety sauntered in and it and discouragement had their way.
But Hope is a treasured thing. It’s a ladder that you climb up one rung at a time. And you believe, one promise at a time. And you listen to other people’s testimonies and you believe for yourself too even when it feels that God could not be bothered with you. Even Jesus told a Canaanite woman that the blessing was for the children of Israel, and not to be thrown to the dogs. But she did not let that discourage her. The food wasn’t for her to partake yet she desired even the crumbs falling from that table. Because she saw the blessing was greater, and her desire for it had to be greater than her pride.
These days I am taking comfort in stories of the gospels in which Jesus expressly says “your faith has made you whole” or “your faith has healed you.” In this short phrase I am reminded that those who received their deliverance believed. They went out, sought Jesus and believed that he had authority over their circumstances.
Reading their acts of faith is slowly building in me courage to stand against my discouragement. Because now I wonder: what is it that they saw in Jesus that led them to believe he could heal an 18 year sickness, and could raise daughters and servants from the dead, and a body fully paralyzed, and men and children possessed by demons? What kind of faith do I need to exercise to neutralize these moments of deep discouragement?
So no, this Christian life is not a constant high; it’s warfare, all the day long; and the fight is intense and drags on. There are seasons where it leaves you battered and bruised and questioning your entire existence and the love of God. And days where you laugh at your own doubt because it’s so obvious that God is real and always faithful. But every day you, like the Canaanite woman, must choose the blessing over your pride; choose the promise over your discouragement, your frustration, your sadness…It’s a battle. But it’s a battle that you are guaranteed victory. When you commit to stay, and believe, and persevere, and endure; even your losses are gains. In Christ, the tables always turn around for your good. Always.
Remember: everything that was written was written to teach us, that through the endurance taught in the scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope (Romans 15:4) so fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” 1 Tim 6: 12.
