...Sin is crouching at your door, eager to muster you. But you must subdue it and be its master...|Gen4:7|NLT
**
I have to let you go. It’s difficult for me to sit here and realize that where I want to go you can no longer come with me. When I realized that you could not come with me, I wept. I spent most of the day pouring my grief into my pillow; I was barely able to catch my breath. I don’t know if you care to know, but the splitting headache that ensued left me bed-ridden for days.
Please understand that I would prefer to keep things as they are, but deep down in my heart, if I am to be free, to finally walk in who I am supposed to be, we have to separate. I have to traverse a path I haven’t seen before, one that I had never imagined for myself. Yes, something changed in me and I realized it was you who had to go, it was you who, no matter my prayers, supplications, begging, fasting, abstaining; it is you who I must leave behind. Admittedly, the thought causes my heart to seize in fear; even my blood congeals in my feet; I feel light headed; it’s disorienting. How can I be without you, you whom I’ve known since I’ve been conscious of myself? You were with me through every good and bad decision, through every high of good grades, thinking I’d fallen in love, winning games, and every low of heartbreak, failing grades, and the deep sadness that ensued.
Remembering these things brings a heaviness in my chest. How did I not drown? You always stood so close by, always present, ever-close. Always a spectator. And that's the problem. You've only ever been a spectator. All this time I convinced myself that your presence meant participation. That you'd helped me, or even encouraged me. And I got dependent on your presence because you are familiar. You make it ok for me to lack discipline and focus. With you, I can justify every wrong thing. Nothing is either right or wrong, good or bad. Everything is whatever I want it to be. But how can I possibly live like that? How can I grow in that? To you, everything is permissible and beneficial, hence the reason I can no longer go with you.
All this while I thought I needed you. But you've been holding me back. And even now, I'm not sure if it's you I loved or the idea of you.
At first I felt sorry, but I am relieved. Relieved that I have a choice to walk away from you; relieved that I no longer have to blame you for what I haven't been able to do.
I know what I want now, and you are not part of that.
And for this revelation I am finally at ease.
**
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great could of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us...|Hebrews 12:1|NIV
*SoulTea*
