Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank. But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honour me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.” Numbers 20: 11-12
*
|Meribah|: quarrelling or strife.
**
I remember the day I laid on the beach under a giant umbrella writing notes, putting random thoughts into my phone. And I thought about you, and I wrote candidly that I didn’t trust you as much as I said I did.
And reading Moses’ account at Meribah, how he struck the rock instead of speaking to it as instructed, and you telling him that he didn’t believe you thus he had forfeited entering the promised land reminded me of that day on the beach. It reminded me of that day and it brought me to right now where I am struggling to trust you. And it’s not with everything, but this particular thing; you know what I’m talking about. It’s like, everything I hoped for is crumbling, dying with such quickness and is dragging me with it, even as I fight to find my footing. Why does trusting you lead to everything falling to pieces?
There are things that must crumble, so a new thing can be born.
I suppose that’s it? I must be like that grain of wheat that falls into the ground and must die so it produces much grain. I feel that you don’t put other people through the same process. It’s as though some folks get a little gust of wind blowing their way while you stay sending floods and earthquakes my way. I know it’s none of my business what happens for someone else, and really my faith needs to be up and my complaints non-existent. And just as Moses was frustrated with your people, I suppose my frustration is causing me to dip my toes in disobedience and lose entry into my Promised Land. And trusting you in the midst of my mind, body, and soul warring to do the opposite of what you are asking me has been rough. Many times I’ve cried out “I believe; help my unbelief” but I’m beginning to wonder why there is unbelief there, why’s it difficult to rest and be secure in that belief. Why do my problems and fears seem deeper and greater than you? I know they aren’t yet my experience feel like they are.
Anyway, I suppose the point of Moses’ experience is to remind me to not allow my feelings, and frustrations lead me to stray from the task you’ve put before me; and not only that, but not allow it to cause me to do something that you did not instruct me to do.
This journey of trust is hard. It’s more than just saying I trust and believe you. It’s more than just believing the best in the midst of the worst happening. It’s doing what you called me to even as my entire soul is rebelling, and my mind is raging at the unfairness of it all. It’s quelling these emotions and putting one foot in front of the other anyway. It’s allowing myself to become the grain of wheat that falls into the ground and die so that it produces much grain. And through all of this how is trust built? It’s not by words, or hand-holding me through a mine-field. It’s dutifully performing what you’ve laid at my feet, despite what is going on, what is said, what is expected, and how I feel. Yes, I want the promise, but the promise comes with a price.
*&*
SoulTea
Background pic found on insta : @fashizblack
