“No” might make them angry but it will make you free.
If no one has ever told you. your freedom is more important than their anger.
||-Nayyirah Waheed||
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Boundaries are good. They are healthy. Coupled with wisdom, they are essential in maintaining healthy, loving and appropriate relationships with partners, friends, colleagues, children, etc. I realize that I have not been maintaining good boundaries within my life and it has left me feeling frustrated, irritated, and resentful in some cases. Certainly, those who are partly responsible for these feelings may be unaware or not care, but as I am responsible for my feelings, I have to rethink and establish the boundaries that are missing.
Entitlement: the fact of having a right to something; an enduring personality trait characterized by the belief that one deserves preferences and resources that others do not.
I've been seeing the word here and there for the past week or so, and now that I've become conscious of it in my own life, I'm compelled to believe that God has been trying to bring it to my attention for a while now and I am just now acknowledging its effect in my life.
The positive thing about this is that I have become aware of something that I have been feeling (and ignoring, if I must be honest) for quite a while. I haven’t been able to articulate the feeling and unpack it somewhat objectively. I hadn't properly compartmentalized the actions that were happening and the resulting negative feelings as a lack of proper boundaries.
What I have allowed to happen here isn't appropriate and certainly has to change, for the sake of the integrity of these relationships and most importantly, for the sake of my peace.
Boundaries are important because they make everyone involved take responsibility. I take responsibility for my emotional/mental health, and the other person(s) take responsibility for their need. They are important because they maintain peace. If one party is resentful, even if the other party is unaware, there is no peace within that relationship.
And they are necessary in maintaining respect between people. We get too familiar with people sometimes, too comfortable. We begin to feel that they are supposed to do everything for us, or because of our self-importance, we begin to think we are entitled to whatever it is we are demanding from them. And that’s not right.
Sadly, if you don't nip it, it'll become routine, and you end up imprisoned by, essentially, your own inability to say no. Because that's what it comes down to. You allow certain behaviors, so they continue. If the other party is comfortable, there is no incentive to change. And you end up overdrawn, so that another person can live like royalty. Of course, some are aware of what they are doing and will try to appease you with compliments, maybe gifts, that in the long run are not worth your peace. Your peace, your integrity should never, ever be on sale. Not for a compliment, a gift, a future gift, not for any treasure in the world. Even a servant who serves in a palace is still just a servant.
Admittedly, boundaries are uncomfortable, even for me who must now raise them. Because that odd little voice that second-guesses me is quick to spring up and begins to raise doubt about what I am doing. And even if I overpower it, it's never too far, waiting for the opportune moment for me to "give in," especially when a slight challenge arises that'll test my integrity in the matter. It's challenging to maintain boundaries because they require constant reinforcement. When I am resolute and unmovable in a thing, it's not as difficult because I am not thinking of it emotionally. And I guess that's where I need to be sometimes; not the grey area of feeling both good and bad but feel good that I am exercising a solution to a real problem.
I'd like to get to a point where I can open and close doors in a healthy way, and not feel "bad" that my door is shut. Self-sacrifice and loving my neighbor aside, sometimes I over-emotionalize a situation that is black and white; and other times I'm very much black and white and there's no room for grey. I know I'll get to a point where I'll strike a balance. Until then, I must contend with this out of control see-saw and get it to balance. I don't know if there's ever been a point in time when it was at equilibrium, but it's certainly about to start.
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Learn to love in freedom and responsibility. Remember the goal of boundaries: love coming out of freedom. This is the true self-denial of the New Testament. When you are in control of yourself, you can give and sacrifice for loved ones in a helpful way instead of giving in to destructive behaviour and self-centredness. This kind of freedom allows one to give in a way that leads to fruit. Remember, “no greater love has anyone than to lay down his life for his friends.” This is to live up to the law of Christ, to serve one another. But this must be done out of freedom, not boundaryless compliance. ||Boundaries: When to Say Yes-Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend||
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~Chenai Mbanga~
original pic from instagram (@osengwa)
