"When I said, "my foot is slipping," your unfailing love, Lord, supported me." |Psalm 94:18|
**
I’m
grateful for my family & friends and their support, comfort and overall
encouragement this 2018. Moving, although the prospect was liberating, was a
lot daunting than I thought. The opportunity arose and made no sense yet I took
it. And when things didn’t unfold as expected, and I still desired to stay in
this familiar place, I questioned myself. And questioned myself over and over,
battling through fear and faith, convincing myself that moving is what I wanted
and it was the right step. And I spent a lot of time wondering how I was going
to figure out a way out of this place, and dealing with crippling doubt that
saw me move from one place to another, still feeling so unsure, telling myself
to be confident. I know what I am supposed to do yet the doubt and stress has
blurred my vision, and the distraction has pushed me off course. It was
as though I’d been thrown into a maze disoriented, and now had to figure out a
way out. The only way out being through. And no confidence to reorient myself
to try a path, any path. Even arriving at a dead end would be better than not
moving.
My
movement was minuscule. But it was something. The exit seemed farther away than
the starting point and I just didn’t see the point of seeing it through. Even
though deep down I know I wanted to. All of this has shown me that the obstacle
in my way isn’t an external person, place or thing. It is me with the
distractions that I give in to; the doubts I entertain when I know better, the
fear I surrender to when I know everything is going to be alright. It’s the
outside voices causing greater doubt and the inside voice too timid, too weary
to counter them.
I
lost my focus. I cozied up with doubt even though I knew it didn’t belong with
me.
But
the year wasn’t a complete waste. In the midst of the tears, there was much to
celebrate: a long overdue visit from my
friend, weddings, babies, and a weekend get away that was much needed.
2018
wasn’t what I expected, but looking back I suppose it wasn’t as bad as it
felt. There were moments that required courage that I didn’t know I have,
and faith I most certainly didn’t practice. I’m courageous and resilient, yes,
but I must run and not walk. I must leap in with both feet, as I did with
moving, rather than leaping in and leaping out.
There
is much that I am glad to leave behind. And many great things to expect from
myself, finally. And above all, I will cling even tighter to my God, who has been the only constant amid all my and life's inconsistency.
**
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." |Psalm 18: 2|
