Untitled Letter

I am sorry.

I know I have said these words to you a thousand times with tears in my eyes and shame in my heart. I denied myself both food and water for many days so I could show you how truly repentant my heart was. I eliminated all those things that would displease you; I changed the way I talked and the way that I dressed, so you would know how remorseful I felt.

But today my apology is different. Today I am apologizing to you for my failure to appreciate all the things that you have done and continue to do. I apologize to you for lashing out and feeling annoyed, and wondering if you even care at all. I am sorry for saying hurtful things and threatening to leave and ignoring you for weeks, even months at a time. I am apologizing to you for all these things and more because I realize that I am wrong. I am wrong because I signed up for this. I chose to trust you, trust your words, trust your guidance, trust your plans, trust that you are enough for me no matter what. I chose this relationship with you, and thoughtfully confessed that I would forsake all others, and gave you authority over my life. I surrendered to you, and agreed that no matter what I would leave it all into your hands because I decided that you could and would take care of me. I agreed that  for all the things that I don’t understand, for all the times that I am frustrated, annoyed, impatient, confused, I would come to you and talk to you about it. Because isn’t that what people in a relationship do? Talk when things are good and when things are bad, and when things aren’t making sense, and be present to listen and understand?  I realize that I haven’t been doing that with you. I shout, and cry, get angry and storm off. I don’t want to listen to you, and in doing so I forget; I forget that I entered into a covenant with you in which I agreed that you were sufficient for my life and that all that I needed could be found in you and supplied by you.  You supplied me a measure of faith so that I continue to hold your words to be true. But I haven’t held that to be true because I forgot. The cares of life increased my impatience, and instead of talking to you, I complained, and whined, seeing all the ways that I am behind, which caused me to look at you as withholding, and as a liar; wondering if there was any value in maintaining the relationship at all. All the while, I haven’t been doing my part to sustain it. 

In fact, I blame you for my impatience: (why must you move at a glacial pace?),  I blame you for my uncertainty: (why can’t you just show me the end result so I know everything will be ok?), I blame you for my frustrations (why must you allow these inconveniences to plague my life?). In all of this, I have disregarded your provisions, your words and assurance that you have not forgotten me, that my name is engraved in the palm of your hand; that you wove my destiny before I knew you, and that all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Isaiah 49:15-16, Jeremiah 1:5, Psalm 139:16).

 All in all, You are doing a spectacular job. Your love has been consistent and unconditional. You have taken care of me even when it has been excruciatingly uncomfortable. Your grace has been enough and continues to be so. Your continued presence has made a difference in my life in ways that I can’t articulate. You help me see the error of my ways without humiliating or shaming me.

These words are not just to say I am sorry that I did wrong, or that I am aware that you know all. These words are to say that I am sorry that I haven’t been doing my part. I am sorry that I have tried to put my responsibility on you and did not understand or respect your boundaries. I am grateful that you did not appease my emotions, nor were you moved by my anger. Your faithfulness has helped me see my errors. I know now that I must learn to come boldly to the throne of grace, [so that] I may obtain mercy and find grace to help [me] in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

                     I am blessed to be chosen by you, loved by you and instructed by you.

   

  

                                                                                                           Sincerely,

                                                                                                           Your Child